So Bad, They’re Good: When Awful Is Awesome

You know when you are watching a movie that’s so incredibly, outrageously, unbelievably bad it is also accidentally hilarious? I am speaking to you of the unintentional comedy, a rare golden nugget of cinema that is created to impress but instead leaves you in hysterics for all the wrong reasons.

There are differences between movies that are just bad (Gigli) and movies that are so bad, they’re awesome (the following); those in the latter category usually they take themselves too seriously, involve puzzling human interactions and feature Lindsay Lohan! They are never boring, and this is key - the unintentional comedy is always at its core entertaining, which is what makes it such a pleasure to simultaneously watch and eviscerate. And so, for your future viewing pleasure, I will now list the cream of the crop in the “So Bad, They’re Good” category. Here it comes!

Twilight: This little gem’s theme? AWKWARDNESS. Literally every conversation is so painfully stilted it kinda hurts but in a hilarious way. Synopsis: Two chronically monotone characters, Bella the human who hates everything and Edward the baseball-playing vampire, spend their time flying around forests, staring at each other in meadows, admiring his sparkly skin and talking about his “human blood frenzy” to some wailing 80s electric guitar. And compared to the book this is an improvement guys.

Best quote:

Edward (sexily): You better hold on tight, spider monkey…

Death Race: In this remake Jason Statham will be released from death row if he wins a… car… race? But not just any kind of car race, because in this one your code name is Frankenstein and you get to BLOW SHIT UP!

Best quote:

Henessey: Okay cocksucker. Fuck with me and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk!

You Got Served: The poor down-on-their-luck black kids must defeat the evil rich white kids in a dance-off at Mr. Rad’s warehouse so they can pay back their drug debt in this stereotype-defying epic!

Best quote:

Elgin: Liyah go home and stop acting like a ho!

Batman & Robin: Basically Uma Thurman is Poison Ivy, who tries to kill Robin using a poison kiss but thankfully he wears rubber lips (like actually), and perma-frowny Alicia Silverstone is Batgirl who makes life hard for Batman who is played by George Clooney (lots of chicks really dig that guy, which is a mystery to me, I feel he looks like someone set his face on fire and then put it out with a fork. Anyways) who has to stop Mr. Freeze who’s played by Arnold Schwarzenegger who is basically running around monotoning stuff like “It’s cold in here” in his hilarious accent before using his ice... gun… to freeze… people. What can I say guys? It’s fucking brutal. Brutally AWESOME!

Best quotes:

Mr. Freeze: Ice to see you!

Mr. Freeze: You’re not sending ME to the COOLER!

Mr. Freeze: Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom!

Showgirls: Nomi Malone, former hooker and current Las Vegas showgirl, must navigate the turbulent waters of lesbian rivalries, rapist superstars, and thrashing pool sex (under a waterfall!) to become the best showgirl there is. Which basically means she has to dance around on a flaming stage while stripping down to a gold G-string and avoid slipping in monkey excrement. This non-stop whirlwind of ridiculous shit is so gratuitously awful, so packed with “WTF?” moments, it has redefined exploitation in cinema and topped countless “Worst Films Ever Made” polls over the years.

Best quote:

Nomi: He stole my fucking suitcase!

Molly: Get the fuck off my car!

Nomi: * Projectile vomits *

I Know Who Killed Me: Thespian Lindsay Lohan plays Aubrey Flemming, who is kidnapped and tortured Saw-style before awakening in a hospital claiming she’s actually bad-girl stripper Dakota Moss, who may or may not be Aubrey’s long lost sister who is perhaps suffering from “twin stigmata” and her limbs keep falling off. There’s also something in there about Dakota’s mama selling Baby Aubrey to her faux father for crack money. I think Lindsay just flipped open the script to a random page, saw the word “stripping” and signed on immediately. Between a fully clothed exotic dance, overly long amputee sex, a completely meaningless blue motif and a robotic prosthetic leg Hohan keeps “forgetting to plug in at night”, this film has it all! You can watch this little chestnut here: http://www.megavideo.com/?v=L30B0SMW

Best quote:

Dakota: * Finger inexplicably rots off; naturally, she just… sews it back on *

Strip club boss: Maybe you should go to the hospital-

Dakota: HOSPITALS ARE FOR RICH PEOPLE!

Audience: …What the fuck just happened?

Honorable mentions include Crossroads, Titanic, Cool as Ice, Glitter, Coyote Ugly, Hostel, Catwoman and Spiderman 3 (comic book movies, singer-turned-actor films, “torture porn” and dance movies are usually excellent unintentional comedy contenders, as filmmakers find it challenging to concoct a coherent plot around these themes and just go nuts). So there it is! Grab your funniest/most critical friends and head to the video store for what is bound to be one of the most hilarious cinematic experiences of your entire life.

- H-Ko