Dear Lil’ Wayne fans

She was a Lil’ hard on him wasn’t she? Was it the purple drank? The countless arrests for possession? The bullfrog vocals?

Personally, I have no intentions to convict Lil’ Wayne guilty of stupidity. Surely his lyrics paint the portrait of a deeply intelligent and articulate musician;

‘I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed….’ From A Milli

‘Young money entertainment...
Run dummy finna bang it.’ From Dick Pleaser

‘I'll be up there with the guitar she'd be up there with the flute

Talking bout DODODODODODO call me and I can make it juicy for ya!’ from What else is there to do?

Despite Wayne’s way with words, he has been ‘scientifically’ proven to make the dumbest music…. ever.

Lil’ Virgil Griffiths, a Cal. Tech PhD student, released her ‘musicthatmakesyoudumb’ survey, relating college SAT scores to ‘favorite music’ lists, hence, compiling an pretty inconclusive database of ‘dumb’ and ‘smart’ music and musicians.
As one half of the greatest band in the world, I am obligated to abuse my power of the rant to discuss the list with the able, then take the time to scream it into the ears of the hearing impaired.

So here goes; List can be viewed at http://musicthatmakesyoudumb.virgil.gr/index.php

1) Beethoven tops the list at #1 out of #133 musicians/genre. Who would seriously consider listing Beethoven as their favourite artist? How many pretentious, Aryan, Ivy school kids did they survey for this?

2) Coldplay registered the 2nd most votes in total among all schools, which means stealing songs and calling yourself a ‘Rock God’ (when in reality, your a pale, skinny Englishman with bad teeth, and a daughter named Apple) is clearly ‘in’ with college kids.

3) Emo bands (The Used 125th, My Chemical Romance 98th, Taking back Sunday 114th) actually prefer to be towards the lower end of the scale or omitted from the list altogether, because they are not ‘fucking corporate conformists’. Ironically, Something Corporate (45th) places the highest.

4) Sufjan Stevens (2nd overall) used the list as a title for one of his songs.

5) Metallica (68th) proceeded with a lawsuit against the author, claiming that they ought to be placed ‘above the average’. Lars Ulrich cries on National TV.

6) Soulja Boy is given a cameo appearance in the list, just for comedic relief. He is placed in the 550 to 600 range.

7) Bob Dylan (8th) writes a political anthem about the underrepresentation of African-Americans in the top half of the list, and then doesn’t remember doing it.

8) Bono of U2, (7th) calls for action in aid of the list.

9) Kanye West (77th) says that Virgil ‘doesn’t like black people’

I could sit here all day and draw largely irrelevant parallels between music nature and nurture; however awesomeness is waiting on me again, looking at his watch and pulling those telling faces. Grinner’s of the north, I leave you with my letter to Lil’ Wayne fans.

Dear Lil’ Wayne Fans

You suck.

Regards,

Lil’ Todd Wills