"Oh, wouldn't the world seem dull and flat with nothing whatever to grumble at?" - W.S. Gilbert
1) There are some "life essentials" that we learn as kids. A few examples are how to tie our shoes, cross the street and share with others. Apparently a lot of guys have decided to take the "share with others" lesson to heart when it comes to spreading bacteria, bacteria that comes from their urine or feces ("eww Samosa, gross!"). I'm continuously shocked and extremely disgusted by the number of times I'm in a public restroom and see guys exit a stall or urinal and make a bee-line for the door, as if the sink is the Valley of the Lepers.
Seriously guys, here's a website which will help you get back to hand-washing basics:
http://www.henrythehand.com/
2) What the fuckuck is wrong with some parents nowadays? There is absolutely nothing remotely cute about parading your ten-year-old daughter around in a pink velour track suit (likely bought from 'Stitches') that says "Angel" or "Princess" on the ass. Those words might be innocent enough, but between us, it might as well say, "hey creepy man, please stare at my ass, please, I beg this of you. And don't let the fact that my grades are still based on the colour of star I get stand in your way, thanks!" This truly makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Piss-poor parents of the world, I beg of you "please change course immediately." Those pants are as appealing to pedophiles as woman beating is to Chris Brown. (What?...Too soon?)
3) What the hell ever happened to patience being a virtue? It now seems like impatience is a virus, a virus that's spreading quicker than (insert your own slut reference here). There are few things that annoy me more than people rushing around, especially if I'm standing beside them at a cross-walk or an elevator. It's obvious that I, or someone else have already pushed the button, yet there will always be that one person who comes along and pushes said button again, sometimes repeatedly. Seriously? Really? Am I missing something? Do you sir, or madame have some kind of magical power that will conjure up the cross-walk/elevator Gods, and instantly change the course of our cross-walk/elevator destiny? Unless you're that albino 'Powder' and have electricity flowing through your veins, I really doubt that you can do that.
4) I'll admit it, I'm a bit jumpy. When I first came to Toronto I wasn't used to cars constantly honking their horns. At the time, a horn honking would elicit a reaction similar to that scene in "The Sixth Sense" where Haley Joel Osment is in the bathroom and the ghost walks by. I'd like to think that I'm a bit more accustomed to this now. What I'm not accustomed to is when 'cabs' honk their horns. What's the difference? Well, for those who don't live in a city where this happens, let me explain. In Toronto, cabs will actually honk at you to get your attention. Jeebus Chrys that bothers me. I've watched enough Seinfeld episodes and romantic comedies based in Manhattan to know how to wave down a cab. If I need you, 'I' will wave 'you' down. Nothing is worse than walking down a busy street especially on a rainy day. One honk after another, like little electric shocks *cringe*.....Oh wait, now I get it! So that's how the service works. You wave me down so that I can tell you where I want to go. Then based on distance and time I will pay you accordingly....Brilliant!
5) Chocolate is probably one of my favorite things in the world, those who know me can attest to this. Those who really know me can also attest to the fact that I cannot stand Cherry Cordials. Whoever created these putrid things deserve to be charged with war crimes on my taste buds. Most fruit should actually not come anywhere close to chocolate unless it's "Fruit and Nut." Raisins and chocolate are actually a pretty wicked combo! I do believe that chocolate should remain chocolate, cherries should remain cherries, and Cherry Cordials should be banished to the far recesses of the earth to be enjoyed by Naked Mole Rats, nuff said.
Talk to you sooner than soon,
-Samosa
I am an individual that walks through life with a carefree attitude. Some say I am the most understanding person they have ever met but there are times my eyes pop out of my sockets and I mutter these familiar words… “What the fuck!”. These situations do not come often but when they do they are burned into my mind like that scene from Pulp Fiction when the one character gets prison raped by that masked weirdo. Let me share with you my top five WTF moments in my life.
1. Lady at Petland – This was my first job when I was 16 and I did it to play with animals because I am a huge lover of animals. What I am not a fan of however are kids and angry parents. So this one day I was manning the dog section and this kid stole a ladder from one of departments and tried climbing it. So being a good samaritan I told him to get down from there, just then I get a tap on my shoulder and it was the kid’s parent. Instead of thanking me for saving the kid from a probable injury… she told me to “Mind your own fucking business!”. Conclusion of this story, people turn into jerk offs once they bear children.
2. Sitting in my parked car – Every time I think of this story I want to piss lava. So there I was sitting in my car waiting for my mother to finish running a few errands in the mall. I was listening to music and being a patient son until I heard a SLAM. I looked around and it was a middle aged woman that slammed her car door into mine. I got out and was expecting an apology instead she blamed me for parking too close to her... I was in that spot before she got there. Conclusion to this story is middle aged women are delusional.
3. Sitting in parked car pt. II – There I was sitting in my car again waiting for my mother again. Suddenly my passenger door opened and this gnarly middle aged grey haired hippie proceeded to sit in my passenger seat. First I thought… I am getting car jacked… great!. Then he gave me some money and asked for 2 grams of cocaine. I looked at him and then said “I am not a drug dealer” he goes “You’re not VINCENT?!?”. Conclusion even a good innocent kid can be mistook for drug dealers… and that people really must think Asians all look alike.
4. Front ended – I didn’t even think this was possible but it happened to me. So there I was in another mall parking lot and looking for a parking spot. A woman was in front of me and suddenly she slammed on her breaks and started to back up. I honked numerous times to no prevail… she slammed into my front bumper. She got out and continued to blame me for not backing up when she did. I told her that there were three cars behind me so if I did that I would be in the same situation she was in… she ended up paying for my front bumper.
5. Public washroom – So there I was relieving some homemade orange juice into the urinal. Suddenly I hear a voice from the stall asking me questions. So because I am a nice guy I started answering his questions. Then all of the sudden he goes “Hold on man, there is an asshole in here talking to me. Turns out he was shitting and talking on his mobile phone and I interrupted his ‘crappy’ conversation.
There you have it, my top five what the fuck moments that happened to me in my thus far. I hope I have more what the fuck adventures soon; they are attracted to me like flies on shit.
Over and Out,
Wonton
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